Humour: A lot has changed in my life, I’m a Mac user now.

Who’d have thought a year ago so much would change in my life. I am of course referring not to changing continents or industries, but to my new MacBook Pro. Of the many wonderful features it provides, my favourite is the sense of moral superiority. Where I used to idly surf Facebook on a PC, I now daringly explore Facebook on a Mac. Like the 800 million other Apple users, I am a rugged individualist who doesn’t follow crowds.

The storage in the device is amazing, they seem to have engineered a 30 pound weight into it’s paper thin frame so I can get a workout and/or develop back problems while I boldly challenge conventional thinking! When I throw it in my artisanal messenger bag it nearly topples me out of my Toms. No skinny arms for this hipster, my biceps are going to be as big as my beard!

For years I suffered PC’s banal boredom of broad compatibility and functionality, now I have the exciting frustration that is Finder! Microsoft has functions labelled by words that describe their function, like “save” or “rename.” What a hackneyed relic of a bygone era! My Mac has microscopic icons that I blindly stab hoping the software will read my mind. Like elegant little hieroglyphics made by ants for iOS engineers. Where I used to have a mouse with two humdrum buttons, I now have a finger pad that recognises a broad vocabulary of gestures only slightly more complicated than sign language. I have finally traded productivity for creativity and I couldn’t go back even if I wanted to!

But the most important thing I want you to take from this is not that I have a better computer than you, but that my computer makes me a better person than you.

I am woke. I am a Mac. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a screenplay to work on.